As part of the Week 9 requirements for our blog posts, we were to review a peer’s Storify submission. While I had already reviewed Stephanie’s Storify, I saw that Heidi was also looking for feedback on her submission.
I have been following Heidi’s blog all through-out the semester and really admire the style of her writing and the high standard of blog posts she puts out each week. It was my great privilege to review her Storify – below are the comments and feedback I gave on her submission so far.
Thanks so much for your review. It always helps to get a fresh perspective on your work. I really appreciate you taking the time – you have given me some great points to take away and think about! Now, for your Storify!
Week 9 Activity Questions
Who do you think the audience is?
Mackay residents and locals, interested in supporting the revitalisation of the city’s CBD.
What did you learn about the event?
I learned that the Twilight City – Beyond Your Imagination Street Party is an annual event in its second year. The city is aiming to raise money to support the development of the CBD. The street party is about bringing locals together, to support the town and the wider region.
What else (if anything) could be included that would make the story more interesting or have more impact?
I think you that have done a great job at implementing not only your own, first hand, personal account of the event, but also incorporating addition sources and references to support your points. The tweets/photos/video are all great in reinforcing your ‘newsworthy’ points of interest, while giving great illustration to your Storify.
If the structure is confusing, how could it be improved?
While I really loved your story and the atmosphere you were able to bring through your personal writing, your Storify almost seems like two different stories right now – on the one hand you have this great family event that talks about the revitalisation of the CBD; then at the end you have this ‘reality-check’ quote from business owners saying how the construction is hurting their business.
I am not sure. At the moment the two stories aren’t merging for me and there is a perceivable disconnect there. Have you thought about losing the quote about the businesses at the end? That way your story a consistent tone that is focused on the lightness and family atmosphere of the twilight street party; which I think really comes together with your tweets and your personal tone.
I really couldn’t pick up on any finer technical discrepancies. I think that you’ve done a spot on job in that regard.
What do you like about the story?
I love the tone and the personal scope to the story. While reading it I had a great sense of immersion in your story, which was really brought together with the use of tweets/images/videos.
Now to address those additional questions on your blog:
I’ve probably published it a little early, but like many others I want to finish assessment early and this way I can improve it based on your feedback (please give feedback).
Nothing wrong with publishing it early! Overall, I think your Storify is a great example of ‘personal writing’ meeting ‘social media/news writing’. I thoroughly enjoyed your story.
I might be thinking of swapping the end around with the beginning so that the story of the businesses’ suffering will be before the general festivities of the event.
I think this could be a great move for you. While your story is great, I think the key points and ‘newsworthiness’ of the suffering business is too good to leave to the end. Starting off with those really reality-driven quotes, I think would give your story a lot of emotive power. But I still wonder about the structure and if your story wouldn’t be better off taking a more light tone all round.
I may have too many tweets, pictures etc. embedded – is it overload?
I don’t think that you have too many tweets at all. I think that because you are taking on such a personal approach to the way you are telling your story, the tweets are essential. It demonstrates your interaction with the setting around you, and gives you credibility as a central ‘character’ in your story. I think this would be a big point of discussion for you within your written justification (what you have to submit in the final assessment with your Storify link).
Am I too personal with my delivery? Maybe you can tell from my blogging style that this is a natural style of writing for me.
Our stories are obviously polar-opposites in composition – I have taken a more objective and traditional news take on my event, whilst yours is very personal, descriptive, etc. I don’t think that you are too personal within your delivery. I think you do a great job of ensuring consistency of this style across the story’s elements.
I have used three other sources to find out data used in the story such as how much the project costs. How do I reference this without having to write ‘Mackay Regional Council has said the project costs $18.6 million) and so on. I don’t want to do that. It’s all on public websites, and anyone can access that information. It wasn’t told to me directly. I found it out via research. Any suggestions?
“Reports by the Mackay Regional Council estimate..” – does that help? I think because it is research, and not a quote from a person, you may have more flexibility in the way you present that information. But that is something that you should check over with Kate.
I hope my responses were helpful! You’ve done really great work!
Petith, H 2015, Twilight City Street Party – A bittersweet celebration, on Storify, viewed 17 September 2015, https://storify.com/Heidi_Petith/twilight-street-party-a-bittersweet-celebration