So I just spent time reviewing Steph’s Storify submission (Click here to view her Storify!). She covered the “Livin Hot on the Hill Challenge” in Townsville. I emailed her my thoughts on her submission and I hope that they were to helpful to her as she works through Assessment Three. This is a copy of the email I sent.
Thanks so much for your reply on the forums. I am just emailing you to hopefully give you some solid feedback on your Storify. I couldn’t find your blog to comment on – so I hope its okay that I’ve emailed you.
It’s great to see that you have been so organised and gotten your event covered early. I’ve got a bunch of notes – and really they are just food for thought, before you officially submit it!
The first thing that I noticed is that your first two sentences have a lot of really great information, but perhaps could be integrated better. Where it is recommended that sentences are short and simple, you could break down this information more to give your story more “flow”. For example, your lead sentence might read something like: “On Saturday August 8, HotFM Townsville teamed up with ‘Livin’, the suicide prevention charity, to launch Livin’ Hot on the Hill.”
From there you could integrate the “descriptive” elements of the event into a few more sentences. As an example you could have something like, “It was the first time the event has been held in community, with over 600 people participating in the 24 hour hill challenge. The event aims to raise both money and awareness for youth suicide and mental issues.”
There is also two blank lines between the first and second sentence – a quick little formatting thing that you might want to fix!
In the third sentence, 60 should be spelt “Sixty” – a convention of the media/news writing genre, when a number is at the beginning of the sentence.
The fourth sentence has the words “each team” repeated – maybe you could re-work the sentence so this isn’t the case and it sounds less repetitive. Was there any other rules to the event?
Fifth sentence is written really well, with some great information.
I think your quote section by Fiona is really great – but I wonder if it might be improved by breaking this down a little more, so that there is one indirect quote and two direct quotes.
I really enjoyed your story – and I did check out your tweets from the event on your Twitter. Many of them were really great, and I think that if you wanted, they would make great additions to your story.
These are just some quick notes on your Storify – hopefully they were helpful. I think you picked a great event that is most definitely newsworthy! Great work Stephanie.
I always find it difficult to review other peoples work. I know its essential part of writing and presenting work publicly, but I always feel like I am being controlling or maybe mean. I hope that Steph takes my criticism in a positive way, and I hope she achieves the result she wants from that Assessment.